For Me, Self-Care is Personal.

I had to learn the hard way.

I have to confess something to you, Lionesses. I haven’t always taken good care of myself, and sometimes I still slip back into my old patterns. If my story starts to feel like “TMI,” you can stop reading, but I want you to know the truth about my self-care journey.

Here’s me and my five kids about eight years ago. There’s a smile on my face in that moment, but that was rare. Most of the time I was a shell of a human being. I can remember hitting my head on a kitchen cabinet while rushing around with a baby on my back. Another time, I fell into the wood stove after loading it with logs, just before I had to leave to bring two of the kids to the dentist. I had to keep pulling the car over to bury my burned palms in the snow. Maybe it was the morning that I kicked the stove in frustration as I tried to get three kids to three different schools before commuting to work on time, where I’d need to pump breast milk between patients to feed my infant. As the glass shattered across the floor, I thought to myself, “I can’t do this anymore.”

But I did, for about nine more years. It seems I’d have to learn the same lesson many times before I decided to make a change. I was in an unhealthy relationship, and there was less and less of me to fight back. My family didn’t hear from me. I was exhausted. And I still felt guilty that I didn’t have any affection to give my husband. I tried to act the part. I brought the kids to church and the park. What really bothered me was what I was teaching them - that your own happiness doesn’t matter. Deep inside there was a tiny part of me that knew that wasn’t right. I took a hormone test and learned that I was in adrenal fatigue. Something had to give, and that something was me.

I don’t tell you this story to make you feel sorry for me. I was responsible for my own happiness. We all are. Four years later, I’m divorced, and I still have a full schedule of work, bills, appointments, chores, and errands. But now I set boundaries, I pace myself, I make less than perfect dinners, I don’t answer every text. I ask for help. And I carve out time for me - I go to the gym most days because it makes me feel good, regardless of what judgement others might hold that I’m “selfish.”

I tell me partner that I’m just too tired when I am, and then I take a look at my habits to see where things are getting out of balance, because there is truly only so much of me to go around…but I notice the irony is there is actually more of me to give when I give more to me.

I’m still learning the dance of life. My goal is to keep dancing, even through the hard parts. We can’t change the world, but we can radiate love, and that has to start from within, by taking responsibility for our own wellbeing. We can cultivate peace within our own hearts, and watch the ripples take effect.